drained .. dried … and done

after a 5 day vacation  i can’t think straight on what to do next  .. where to start again in this state where  everything is just totally  broken … dreams .. heart … soul … and mind  … it’s like I’m trying so hard t keep everything in place and it’s like I’m here one meter away from myself looking at it destructing itself, and no matter  how I tried  I can’t do anything to stop it. Everything is just a mess and I don’t know how to clean it anymore I’ve been cleaning all my life and it’s just  messing up every moment,  i tried to start  all over again … even prayers right now is freaking me up … i don’t have the courage to kneel anymore  to say just a one word prayer,  I’m too drained to move.. to dried to continue … and done with everything … this is all making me numb no matter how i tried to wiggle myself it’s not  making me move anymore… how long will it take I don’t  know …  I’m not even trying to hope because even hope scares me. If this will end, I’m wishing this will end too soon because it’s eating me so badly.

I was reviewing my draft and saw this piece some few years back that was left there unpublished  I can’t believe how depressed and shattered I was at that time, so I’m posting this now because I think it’s worth reading.  Also  to remind me that there is nothing constant in this world including failures and pains everything will all pass. I am  happy now not the happiest but I am happy and it’s a nice place to be.

Looking Back

Five years ago I started blogging with wordpress.com, as I was reviewing everything I’ve written and noticed all the grammatical errors of what I’ve previously written  I am still thankful that someone introduced me to this site, it gives me the freedom to express my emotions at a given moment, the opportunity to show the world what I’ve been to, the chance to share my travels and the captured moments, but most of all this is my little place to cast and practice what I love the most writing. Today after all those years of writing although there are a lot of changes that happens to this site and the way things are posted, nevertheless it taught me one thing that no matter how the world had become very dependent on technology, there is always comfort in sitting down and writing what you feel and what you want to express and jotting down your thought with a cup of coffee or a glass of wine is as heavenly as watching the sun goes up and down. As I continue with this passion though not all the time those right words pop up in my brain cells, I am still as excited as the first time I laid my fingers on the keyboard to make a starter piece of my site. I am just hoping that this year I can share more moments, more words, more pictures and more expressions.

A word a Week Challenge – Boat

this picture was taken in rizal boulevard when i had an early morning walk in the city of dumaguete philippines

a word a week challenge – orange

summer 2013 – first stop oslob, cebu

’twas a summer bonding  of friends who loves adventures and cherished memories. so we decided to  travel to the beach, but not just an ordinary one, to a beach with  friendly giants. Here’s our first  summer fun watching the famous  whale shark in a place not so far  from the city.

It was  a 2 to 3 hour drive  from  the heart of cebu city, we took the  public bus called ceres liner , for less than 5 usd  you’ll enjoy the  travel in an airconditioned bus. We were greeted with this  nice  lady called  gailey at BCD resort. The place is good, the  people are even better,  the staff  as well as the owner were  very accommodating,   what’s lacking is the accessibility of the  food  they don’t have a 24 hour  food service,  so if you want to take your lunch or dinner  you have  to go to a near tiangge or the market  or just simply look for another place  to eat, they can also cook  for you but you have to arrange it with them  in advance, the moment we arrived,  off we go to the  seaside  little  market to ease the  hunger of a traveler, after that we explore the place, what’s good in the place   is that the beach is not yet commercialized so you’ll enjoy the  touch of nature  in a very natural way, the beach is not sandy, it’s actually  so rocky but the waves .. oh the waves is so enticing you can’t help but swim.

The following day was when  the fun begins, whale shark watching was both  unforgettable and breath taking. You only have to  pay about 12 usd for a 30 minute fun with the  whale, that amount includes  the snorkel gear that  you can use if you decide to dip in the water and  have a closer look of  the  whale, but if you only stay in the boat and  just  do the viewing you’ll  have  pay less than     10 usd. It was a 30 minute fun  that you will cherish forever.  Although we decided to not explore the place  but there are other  places to go  to after whale watching like a falls that is  a 5 minute ride from where we are , but we decided to just enjoy the beauty of the sea and  the fun in the sand, we decided to just swim and visit other attractions next time.  As  we prepare to go home this gentle giants sure had put a smile  in our face and happiness in our hearts. It is indeed more fun in the Philippines.

Here’s a  some pieces of memories we had in Oslob Whaleshark watching. enjoy watching our summer fun with the sea the sand and the shark.

year ender finale – our way of celebrating new year

 

this is how we celebrate new year in our subdivision ..we call it  fireworks ,,, food,,, and friends … we reconnect .. rekindle and renew our friendship … hoping that as we celebrate and embrace together the coming year it will strengthen our connections and make our friendship stronger … way to go 2012 …

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year ender 2 – kissing 2011 goodbye …

after  all the Christmas  rush and panic shopping, here’s another  special occasions a lot of  people are anticipating  some  wants it to arrive, and for some, they want the time clock to just stop for a moment so new year’s eve will not  come yet , as for  me , I’m starting to kiss 2011 goodbye.. just like the previous years  I’m going to leave all the pain behind  .. all the shattered dreams and  hopelessness … I’ll try to embrace the coming year  with open  heart  .. open mind.. hoping against hope that  somehow  the happiness that I’ve been looking for in the last few years of my  life will finally find its way to my heart …  it’s not  gonna be easy  but i think I will survive just  like  in the past, however  even if  in this state of  hopelessness I’m taking my chances in any way I can  to  finally arrive to that  place where I feel completely  happy. As i kiss  this year goodbye .. I’m gonna bring with me  the memories of  happy times though not that much but  it helps me a lot .. i’m gonna look forward to a  brighter 2012 with new friends around  and some few old friends to keep. So here we go some few days  before we finally shout  HAPPY NEW YEAR  one and all !!!!

Just can’t stop this beach in Me

All these years  been travelling in different places .. meeting  different people.. experience awesome adventures and still wanted to have some more, but then after all the going out and  going backs I still long for the beach a place where  I feel peace and inner joy.. I always love the beauty of how the sun rises and how it sets, i find it   amazing on  how one wave can capture your hearts pain and put you in a feeling that everything will be alright, the breezy air that touches your skin is like natures way of  hugging you and makes you feel alright.  I’ve been to places yes but nothing beat the feeling of completeness when im  in the beach. I can never stop this beach in me and forever i will be a person who can’t live without it. .

 

 

………days after ….

been trying hard to write the  thoughts in my mind that  i’ve been  collecting after i celebrated my birthday… now as i’m recollecting all the memories of that day, ’twas not that  bad after all  … people who used to celebrate with were not around, old friends but new faces was laughing and singing the happy birthday song for me, it was not a happy  one as it used to be but it was worth remembering because in spite of the fact that we are not that close they  celebrated that occasion  with thoughtfulness and care, i never had a birthday full of cakes , it’s been a long time since the last time i personally cook  for my birthday, i never expected some friends will forgot that day , i never expected  some people will try to reach out just to greet me, in some instances i was grateful,l in some i was saddened that those pople i thought was my friends are those that didn’t even bother to find ways to reach me. Now as i look back , it doesn’t matter anymore,  as i move forward i realize that  sometimes no matter how hard, you have to take the journey all by yourself. Today, here i am as i continue with this constantly changing course of life, trying so hard to make it on my own , with nothing  left  except the thought  that i’m alive but not living .. i dunno where i’m going .. i dunno if i will ever reach to the place where i want to be, i dunno if happiness will ever find me again ..maybe just maybe  in my next birthday just like  all the maybes in the last years that  i somehow  will arrive to a place i’ve always wanted to be.

photographs and memories

 a year ago i never thought my birthday would be extra ordinarily memorable celebrating it with people who was never related to me or close to my heart but welcomed me in their place without hesitation… i was amazed and surprised on how they treated me like their own .. the memories still lingers like it was just last night when i arrived in Maasin … lonely .. confused .. bothered of my decision in celebrating my birthday with the Manceras’ .. however the moment i stepped in their doorstep when i saw the genuine smile of their faces i was relieved, i said this is gonna be ok .. and yes it was not just alright it was worth all the travel .. the cake Ainah bought for me .. the happy birthday song they sang with all their might .. i never had such a happy day the way i celebrated it in Maasin .. I’ve been to places ..been to people close, closer and closest but that day was the greatest of them all … the Canigao island adventure trip .. the motorcycling in the city … the singing in the street … ’twas all memories i’m going to keep forever … from that day on a bond that binds  us was created … friendship that i will  keep no matter what happen ..  today another birthday is here to come .. unfortunately … this year it’s all frustrations and depressions .. paranoia and broken dreams .. hopelessness and impossible goals … i wonder what 2nd of July will bring for me this year … i’m done with hoping or praying or wishing or dreaming .. I’ve come to a point where  i’m  exhausted with  life itself.. sometimes i wish i never existed .. sometimes  thinking  or saying a word  is  long  enough to survive ..  right now i’m basically dead at heart and soul  … i’m just going with the flow … wherever this life brings .. i guess i’ve got nothing to lose since I’ve got nothing left … all these  i will hide in my smile .. so shall i say .. birthday hope this year you’ll find the map for happiness for me …<end>