after a 5 day vacation i can’t think straight on what to do next .. where to start again in this state where everything is just totally broken … dreams .. heart … soul … and mind … it’s like I’m trying so hard t keep everything in place and it’s like I’m here one meter away from myself looking at it destructing itself, and no matter how I tried I can’t do anything to stop it. Everything is just a mess and I don’t know how to clean it anymore I’ve been cleaning all my life and it’s just messing up every moment, i tried to start all over again … even prayers right now is freaking me up … i don’t have the courage to kneel anymore to say just a one word prayer, I’m too drained to move.. to dried to continue … and done with everything … this is all making me numb no matter how i tried to wiggle myself it’s not making me move anymore… how long will it take I don’t know … I’m not even trying to hope because even hope scares me. If this will end, I’m wishing this will end too soon because it’s eating me so badly.
I was reviewing my draft and saw this piece some few years back that was left there unpublished I can’t believe how depressed and shattered I was at that time, so I’m posting this now because I think it’s worth reading. Also to remind me that there is nothing constant in this world including failures and pains everything will all pass. I am happy now not the happiest but I am happy and it’s a nice place to be.